TWO MONTHS AGO I ALMOST ENDED MY LIFE...
Twisted Sunshine
Thursday 15 October 2020
TWO MONTHS AGO I ALMOST ENDED MY LIFE...
TWO MONTHS AGO I ALMOST ENDED MY LIFE...
Sunday 8 November 2015
Ode to my Nana
Wedding Speech for Edward and Monica
Monday 2 July 2012
8 letters. 3 words.
Overcoming these obstacles can be difficult but not impossible when it’s a question of love. The important thing is to recognise each other’s strengths and weaknesses and work together to balance them out as a couple. I for instance don’t have a higher education to fall back on. Flunking after high school I have always relied on luck to get by in life. It has worked out pretty good so far but as a result I often find myself in situations where I feel incredibly stupid in intellectual conversations. I wouldn’t call myself unintelligent but I sure am no intellectual. Having grown up trilingual I feel as if I’ve mastered the languages to a ‘get by adequately’ level. It’s only when I get to Serbia, my country of birth, that I feel like a tourist who’s just learned the language from a guidebook. I know it’s not intentional but sometimes people I speak with can make me feel really dumb. Good thing that the man I’m with has studied philology all his adult life and can help me correct some of the mistakes I make on a daily basis.
Tuesday 24 January 2012
Hopeless Romantic
Tuesday 13 December 2011
Burning Man
Tuesday 24 May 2011
If U say U ♥ Me..
because I know it's hard. I can see you're all alone..
So come into my home, baby..
I don't need to believe every word you say, with all the games you play.
It doesn't matter that you're late. You're always late.
Just say that you love me, cos I want you to.
Just say that you love me. Help me get to you.
Just say that you need me, baby, like I need you.
While the world is spinning round, I'm on solid ground.
If you say you love me cos I want you to.
If you say you love me, help me get to you.
If you say you need me, baby, like I need you.
While the world is spinning round, I'm on solid ground if you say you love me.
I can feel you. I can feel your every move,
every single grove.
You look so pretty when you're down,
but you don't make a sound oh ooh..
When I'm holding you I'm hoping that you'll stay.
When I touching you, you seem so far away from me,
and I never seem to be who I want to be when you talk to me..
Just say that you love me, cos I want you to.
Just say that you love me. Help me get to you.
Just say that you need me, baby, like I need you.
While the world is spinning round, I'm on solid ground.
If you say you love me cos I want you to.
If you say you love me, help me get to you.
If you say you need me, baby, like I need you.
While the world is spinning round, I'm on solid ground if you say you love me.
Kris Di Angelis feat. Melanie Blatt
CLIP : KRIS DI ANGELIS & MEL BLATT - Just Say That You Love Me DEMO by Krisdiangelis
Tuesday 10 May 2011
Satan I Gatan
Jag flyttade ju, som de flesta redan vet, tillbaka till Gbg för CK’s skull. Det funkade inte riktigt som det skulle med tanke på hur promiskuös den där killen var. Men vad hade jag att vänta mig av någon som funderade på en porr-karriär innan vi träffades?
De säger att kärleken är blind, men jag vet inte riktigt om det var fallet när det kom till mig och Christofer. I all ärlighet så var det ju trots allt jag som i början avfärdade hans intensiva uppvaktningar för att jag inte trodde att det var något att ha. Att han sen lyckades övertala mig att flytta hem igen hade absolut ingenting att göra med att jag var så in i helskota trött på London. Nej, nej. Absolut inte. Eller?
De säger ju att alla händelser har en anledning och kanske ver anledningen till vårat möte just detta att jag skulle befinna mig där jag är just nu; hemma i Sverige bland gamla goda vänner och familj. Eller går anledningarna ännu djupare än så? Kanske finns det andra grunder till att jag befinner mig just här just nu. Vem vet?
Som så många gånger förr så väljer jag bara att följa strömmen och se vart den leder mig. Jag har aldrig tyckt särskilt mycket om att planera för mycket eller sätta etikett på saker och ting.
Som min underbara kusin Dado brukar säga; It iz wot it iz!
Och så är det. Min vistelse här har resulterat i mången fina grejor. Jag har träffat några fantastiska nya vänner som har kommit att betyda mycket. Jag har ett grymt jobb som assistent till en Hot Shot på Volvo. Jag har återupptagit kontakten med min familj efter år av tystnad. Sommaren nalkas. Solen skiner. Fåglarna kvittrar. Lycka!
Jag ler och jag är glad. Luften är full av endorfiner. Kanske till och med lite kärlek. Jag drar ett djupt andetag och njuter. Jag passar på nu, för det kanske inte varar för evigt.
Men vem vet? Inte du. Vem vet? Inte jag. Vi vet ingenting nu. Vi vet inget idag…
Men satan i gatan vad det känns bra! (",)
Dan x
The Beautiful Things..
Every once in a while we come across something so beautiful it makes us stop and gasp for air. We can’t help but stop in our tracks and stare for a little while. It can be that gorgeous pair of shoes in the shop window that catches our eye. Or that delicious looking strawberry tart staring at us from the Patisserie stand across the street. Sometimes it’s a stunning flower in someones garden that just takes our breath away. And then there’s those exceptional moments when something truly extraordinary catches your eye. Like a beautiful boy that smilingly stares back at you.
Yes, there are many things that can take our breath away but few that leave a longer lasting impression. Sometimes, on very rare occasion that moment can turn into a dream come true.
When such moments occur there’s very little we can do to control our own emotions. Most times they simply get the better of us and we end up doing silly and sometimes embarrassing things; like write elaborate love letters whilst pretending they aren’t really love letters at all. Instead they are just a figment from our own imagination. Disguised in humour and frolics. Other times we act like teenagers, laughing and giggling at anything and everything, uncontrollably.
It’s strange when you are determined to close of your emotions, thinking that it’s better that way – and suddenly you find yourself feeling something completely different. But like with everything else in life, things happen for a reason. All you can do is simply enjoy the ride, for how ever long it takes. Sometimes until sunrise and sometimes for a lifetime. And in the process, if we’re lucky, enjoy the beautiful things that pass us by.. :)
Monday 28 March 2011
Like a Moth to a Flame..
Monday 1 November 2010
Time To Say Goodbye..
As the saying goes; all good things must come to an end. And just like that, it dawns on me that my time in London Town is nearing its very own finishing line.
I remember when I first arrived in the big city. It was in late -97. I recall the excitement as at the age of 17 I stepped off the train at Liverpool Street Station, fresh off the boat from Sweden. I was happy and scared, excited and nervous all rolled into one. I was tingling with butterflies all over. I had left home to come to this metropolitan city and I didn’t know a single soul here. It was a brand new start and one I was looking forward to.
Over the years I had fallen in love with London. I thrived on the fast paced lifestyle, the buzz of the crowded streets, variety of smells in different neighbourhoods and the diversity of people living here. I remember how I’d leave my house to go out on a Thursday night and not come home until late Monday afternoon. There is always something to do in this city. No matter what time of day, be it summer or winter or fall. I think back and smile at how easy it was to make friends.
You could just sit at a cafe and someone would start a conversation with you.
‘Ah, you’re sending a postcard to Sweden I see? Is that where you’re from?’ was a typical starting line seeing as most weeks I’d found myself sipping a latte in Old Compton Street Cafe, cautiously contemplating what to write home about. It was a line that worked effectively on a naive young boy who’d come to the big city to chase a dream.
In the back of my mind I had Madonna’s success story playing on repeat. How she came to New York with $35, how she asked to be dropped off in the middle of everything, how she worked real hard and how hear dream came true. I was looking to relive that story but in my own words.
Sadly, my fairytale didn’t have the same conclusion. Don’t get me wrong. This is a story with a happy ending only not one that left me rich to my teeth and famous all over the world.
After a couple of years some of my closest friends had come to live in London too. It was an incredibly happy time for me. Finally I could show them all the things I’d been writing home about and I could share the experience with someone I knew and loved. They were surprised to see how I’d grown. Actually, evolved would be a better word to use.
London was a city with lots great opportunity for anyone willing enough to go for it.
I had worked so many different jobs that I am embarrassed to say I can’t even remember some of them. When I first arrived I worked as a barman in the oldest gay pub in the city. It even had the atrocious nickname ‘The Elephants Graveyard’ – because some of the clientele were so ancient they’d been there since day one. Some of them never left, if you catch my drift. During another period I worked as an usher at a cinema in Leicester Square. When I got bored of that I somehow ended up managing a boutique Dry Cleaner in Chelsea. I was a waiter, a store salesman, a receptionist followed by a salon manager at a celebrity hairdressers, to mention just a few.
Each of these roles came with its own unique lifestyle. One I had to adapt to in order to fit in.
Like I said, there are a lot of opportunities here. If you are confident and hungry and not afraid to blag your way to what you want – you’re in. And trust me, there was nothing I was afraid of doing. I wanted it all. And I got most of what I wanted in the process.
But sadly, once I had it, it wasn’t interesting anymore. During one period of time I’d change jobs every three months. I’d get bored. I’d realise that I don’t actually want to do this. I wanted to try something different. So I did.
It wasn’t until I’d reached the age of 26 that I’d actually stuck with a job for a longer period of time. Three years to be exact. I managed a busy reception at a prestigious PR agency in West End. It was a dream job. One that allowed me to lead a pretty fabulous lifestyle. The hours were great, the colleagues were amazing and the salary was more than I could have ever hoped for.
At this point I felt like I was on top of the world. I went on extravagant holidays, partied at the best clubs and brushed shoulders with celebrities on a daily basis. I lived with my best friend Monica in a beautiful apartment overlooking Tower Bridge and I had even met a boy I’d fallen for. Life couldn’t get any better.
Then one day a dark cloud came and placed itself right over my head. That’s how it felt at least. But then again I’m sure that more than half the population of the world felt the same once the credit crunch reared its ugly face. Suddenly, I had lost my job. The company was downsizing. I couldn’t afford the apartment anymore. The lover I’d taken on decided to move on too. I found out the hard way why he was in the relationship to begin with. I had thought I was invincible only to find out just how wrong I’d really been. Everything changed.
I was about to turn 30 and suddenly, whilst struggling to find work in an extremely competitive environment I started to realise just what had changed so much. It wasn’t the city. It was me.
The job market was turning into a battlefield. I watched as bankers fought over bar jobs just to make ends meet and I refused to take such a huge step backwards. I hadn’t worked this hard just to drop all that way down again. But beggars can’t be choosers and I was forced to take a massive pay cut and start all over again. I realise that a lot of people had to do the same and with that I understood that I was slowly but surely getting over London.
I started to plan my next strategic move. Like a game of chess I contemplated where to go next.
The most logical idea that sprung to mind was to move to Serbia. I speak the language fluently, I have loads of friends and family there and I’d be arriving packed with ‘international experience’ that could secure me a job even in the worst job market.
I will always have a place for London in my heart. It has been a home for half my life and it has acted like a step mother in a way. It has taught me some very important lessons in life and it has enriched me with incredible experiences. Some extraordinarily good, some gruesomely bad and some outright unmentionable. But all of which I have learned something valuable from.
I leave this city with a smile on my face and some sadness in my heart. I will miss many great aspects of it but mainly the amazing friends I’ve made along the way.
Once again I find myself on square one. Only this time it feels different.
I am taking a deep breath, closing my eyes and I am taking a giant leap in to the (relatively) unknown. I don’t know what the future holds in store for me. But it’s exciting. And once again I have butterflies in my belly.
I am going home to recharge my batteries. I am going home to spend some time with my family. And I am going home to be with my beautiful man. And life is good!
Bye Bye London. You will be missed - but not forgotten.
Until we meet again.
Dan x
Wednesday 21 July 2010
The Path of Fate
A long time ago, on a friends recommendation, I went to see a clairvoyant. Somewhat sceptical, I entered the small and dark room making sure not to reveal too much of myself in my behaviour or conversation. I have heard that sometimes, the not-so-good ones, make guesses based on what the person unknowingly gave away during introduction or even by the clothes or jewellery they wore. I didn’t want to make the same mistake.
‘I will start by telling you about your past’ said the elderly woman as she separated the tarot cards in front of her. I looked at her, quiet but with anticipation. ‘This will be interesting’ I thought to myself.The cards were laid out in a circular shape in front of her as she told me, in great detail, about my troubled childhood, the uprooting at a young age and the ongoing issues with my family. She told me how I was on the run but she couldn’t pin point exactly what it is I am running from. Her accuracy shocked me but I tried hard not to let it show. I wasn’t prepared on giving her the satisfaction of seeing just how right she was. But she wasn’t looking for affirmation. Once my past was out of the way, she cleared her throat and asked if I was ready for my future. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be’ I thought and nodded.
She blended the cards and spread them out on the table and asked me to pick out nine of them. I listened attentively to her as she told me of a long overseas journey that was going to take place. It wasn’t a trip, she clarified, but a journey. As exciting as it sounded to me I wasn’t planning on going anywhere and my concentration started to weaken a bit. She then told me of an extension in my family. A baby was on its way. A child that would change everything. I listened as she went on to interpret my future as she saw it laid on the table, recording the session on a tape.
More events were mentioned but none that grabbed my attention as much as the last thing she said; ‘You will eventually meet someone, a man, and you will fall in love. This meeting is inevitable. It is meant to happen and it will be the love of your life. The only thing I can tell you about this man is that his name begins with the letter M.’
My thought at that moment was; ‘What a load of horse shit!’ I didn’t say it out loud but I nodded towards the lady, acknowledging her statement whilst wondering how many readings she finished with that line. It was a perfect ending to the foretelling of someone’s life; tell them what they really want to hear and make sure they walk out happy about paying an X amount for information that gives them hope for the future. A sigh of disappointment left my body. We were saying goodbye when she took my hand. ‘May I?’ she asked turning my palm towards her. Once again I nodded. ‘Just as I thought’ she said looking into my palm, ‘Your life is pre destined. See this line? It is your path. The path that will lead you to your destiny. It is the journey of fulfilment. You will stray from this path but don’t worry. It doesn’t matter, because you will find your way back in due time. Everything in your life is happening exactly the way that it should. You have a guardian angel watching over you, every step of the way, making sure that you are safe and carry on your journey. Fare well.’
Over the course of the years her ‘predictions’ had come true. I had left London and returned to Sweden when my mother announced she was expecting a baby. My little brother was born and suddenly he was the new focus in my dysfunctional family. It took a lot of the heat of me and I felt liberated. No longer was I burdened to carry on the family name. It was a relief. As time went on I realised for the second time that Sweden wasn’t the place for me and I started looking for other excuses to leave. I found my salvation on a cruise ship, or more accurately; it found me. My godmother, who’d been working on the ship for years, told me that they were hiring and asked if I’d be interested in joining Crystal Cruises. Without batting an eyelid I agreed and I was off on a long journey over several seas. My travels were filled with excitement and even danger, suddenly reminding me of the notion of a guardian angel watching over me. I felt my heart racing in my chest. Everything the woman told me has happened. Pretty much down to the very last point – but there was one I was still waiting for. The letter M.
I have met a few men since then, and in all honesty, each time I met someone who’s name began with the letter M, I started to analyse them and my feelings for them. But never once did it ‘feel right’. After a while I dismissed that particular prediction as nonsense. Until one day..
In 2008 I returned to Serbia after 15 years absence. It was a journey of self discovery and it was also an eye opener. I realised what I had been missing all these years and the need to return there started to grow. I made some great friends and re connected with family members I thought I was never going to see again. I started to plan my return but with hesitation. I had become so westernised that it seemed farfetched having to adapt to a ‘new’ culture again. But still, the feeling at the pit of my stomach kept growing.
Then one day I saw Him.
Unexplainable in every way, I reacted to a picture of him. Mesmerised by his smile I started to fantasize about him. I had lusted over many men’s pictures during my time but there was something different about this guy. He woke up more than just desire inside me. There was something familiar about him that I just couldn’t put my finger on.
We started to chat. It turned out he was seeing someone. I felt like a balloon that had just been popped. ‘BANG!’
What devastated me even more was the person he was with. Somebody I vaguely knew. Someone I was supposed to have met when I visited Belgrade last time. Someone who’d randomly found me on Facebook and added me as a friend. And through him I found the man of my dreams. Who wasn’t available.
It didn’t stop a friendship developing. Over time we got to know each other. We shared some of our darkest moments and spontaneously laughed them off as important lessons in life. We connected in a way I never thought possible with someone who’d I never actually met face to face. The correspondence increased to a daily one, although very platonic. We’d actually become friends.
Eight months down the line his relationship ended. Suddenly, these feelings I’d been nurturing inside started to boil. I didn’t want to mention them. I didn’t want to ruin this great friendship we’d built up. But I couldn’t restrain it. The words came out like galloping wild horses. They marched right across the chat box one day and then there was silence as the dust settled. What have I done? Why did I have to say all that? What possessed me to mention anything and risk losing everything?
I think that somewhere deep down I knew what the answer would be but I was too scared too even hope for it. Maybe I had built up all of this in my mind. Imagined it like a fairy tale that can only live in my imagination, but what followed simply took my breath away.
He admitted to feeling the same way. He told me he was fighting the feelings because of the situation he was in and because of the impossibilities that seemed too dominant in our bond.I read on as he kept writing. My heart beating faster for every word that entered the screen. Is this really happening? Or is this yet another fantasy. A figment of my imagination?
In an instant my feelings multiplied, filling my entire being with love. Every molecule in my body was bursting with emotion and like a magnet seeking out it’s opposite, I was drawn to him.
What happened next were an incredible series of events leading me to this very day. A friend of a friend showed up in London and asked to meet for a coffee. We talked about life and everything in it before he asked me about my views on love. It was a random question but one I was happy to answer. I told him I was an incurable romantic and that I believed in True Love. I mentioned liking someone. I explained that we’d never met but that one day, we will. Suddenly he looked at me with a piercing, almost troubled look and told me the name of the man I was thinking of.
I froze.
We discussed this awkward coincidence. How come, out of all people in the world, he was the one who stepped into my life at this very moment?
I was meant to leave in a few weeks to go on holiday. It was a holiday I had been looking forward to but one I was a little apprehensive about. My ex had invited me down to Portugal for my birthday as he knew how much I loved travelling and I had never been. I was excited but in the back of my mind I was picturing our uncomfortable meeting. My new friend asked me if I loved him. I said I did but not in that way. Suddenly he told me not to go. I looked at him, surprised. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked.‘If you go, it will be a mistake. And I know you feel it too. You told me you believe that everything in life happens for a reason. Well, as hard as it is for me to admit to this, I think I know the reason why we are meeting now. I am here to tell you that you need to go to Belgrade. You have a date with destiny!’
I have been banging my head against a wall, pondering over this strange circumstance, when my thoughts took me to The Celestine Prophecy. Random coincidences that unbeknownst to you secretly show you the path you need to follow. Shivers rushed down my spine. Could this really be true? Was this my path making itself known to me?
Here I was, in love with a man I had never met. Wondering when we’d ever get the opportunity to meet when suddenly the opportunity presented itself like a pearly gate. I made my decision. I had to follow the signs. They were just too many and too real to be ignored and I couldn’t let this opportunity slip me by.
So here I am. The day before I am about to leave. I’m shaking and I’m scared. What if this incredible chemistry doesn’t translate in real life? What if he doesn’t like me? What if.. I don’t know. I don’t have those answers. All I have is my intuition that’s telling me what needs to be done. In the back of my mind the words of the clairvoyant ringing strong. Maybe she was right? She was right about everything else. Maybe this is the person I am meant to be with. The big L with a name beginning with the letter M.
I am embarking on a journey down my path of fate. I am following the signs. I am hoping they will lead me to my destiny. I am frightened but I am happy. And I am hopeful. Maybe my efforts will pay off and the path I follow will lead me to eternal happiness and unconditional love. Maybe I can make this fairy tale come true. And maybe, just maybe we will have our Happy Ever After...
DK